CENTREVILLE -- THE WEEKEND AHEAD

Here’s a story that some people find enjoyable. Several years ago we had a big trip to Dewey Beach. There were lots of people going, but my lawyering job made me stay late on Friday so my options of who to ride with were pretty limited. I had to go with “Swint” who is a guy that I like even though I thought he was gay for a while. I don’t like him like that. I found out that he wasn’t gay and that we shared an interest in country music and that we both have a lot of body hair. Many people thought that we didn’t have enough in common and that the drive would be boring. They were wrong. Me and Swint had a Super time.

As many of you know, I am from Centreville, Virginia. I grew up in the shadows of Wildcat Stadium and starred on the football team. I bleed Centreville Blue (the darker blue). I can hear the roars of Wildcat touchdowns from my front yard. On the way to Dewey Beach, we passed through a town called Centreville, Maryland. I couldn’t believe there was another Centreville. It was like uncovering a long lost twin brother. I was so happy to find a companion city that I talked about Centreville, Maryland for the rest of the trip. I pointed out every sign that said “Centreville.” Centreville Bank. Centreville Bowling Alley. Centreville Chinese Buffet. Centreville Butcher. You might think that sounds foolish, but then you probably don’t love your home town like I love Centreville. I have even contributed to the Centreville Wikipedia page.

Since that time, it has become an obsession of mine to visit every Centreville in the world. I always take a picture by a sign that says “Centreville,” shotgun a beer, mail my parents a postcard (they’re making a scrapbook), and buy a magnet for me refrigerator. So far, I’ve been to Centreville, Ohio (home of Jason Nugent), and Centreville, Michigan. I have also started saving money to buy the penthouse in the Centreville Elite Apartments in Romania. Thank you, very much Mr. Exchange Rate.

I recently discovered that there is a Centreville Amusement Park in Canada. I’m going there tomorrow at 11 AM. I really like amusement parks. Some people like the crazy rides. Not me. I like the carousel. According to their website, the carousel features 52 animals in total including horses, rabbits, cats, pigs, ostriches, a lion, tiger, giraffe, reindeer and zebra. I’m going to ride all of them. I’m also looking forward to riding the Centreville Train. The Haunted Barrel Works look kind of scary. I probably wouldn’t go on them at night, but hopefully I’ll be brave enough to do it while the sun is shining.

I’m not sure who I’m going to bring. Maybe I’ll meet a girl tonight and bring her. I can do that now. I bought mannequin last year and I spend an hour a day talking to it so that I would get more comfortable talking to girls. I always dress her up in a different outfit to make it realistic. People think it’s weird that I buy a lot of girl’s clothes at TJ Maxx, but I don’t care. I need to get my practice. That’s how I became a good football player. The mannequin is the “shoots and boards” of my social life. It would be really great if she was from Centreville, too. We could talk about Centreville for the entire drive.

MY APOLOGIES

I apologize for not updating this site more consistently. I am a busy lawyer-man and my dad got some new bowling DVDs that we watched together while eating jerky and drinking Virginia Gentleman whiskey.

As many of you know, one of my principles is the two-month rule. If you ask me what happened this weekend and it involves a girl, I will squirm and try to change the subject like a 10 year old with a crush on the girl who grew breasts first. I'm sorry that's just how I am. Fortunately, I am perfectly forthcoming with my stories after 2 months have passed. Since this blog has just started, I can tell you about what happened in December. You will have to wait until April to find out what happened this weekend. Or will you?

In December I went to a fancy-pants Christmas party with Geoff and Swint. Geoff told me to dress smart-casual, but I don't think I have that. So I wore jeans and a festive sweater. I think I looked good, but Geoff made fun of me and hurt my feelings. After several cups of punch, Swint started staggering around aimlessly and mocking the wine rack while Geoff was getting handsy with his girlfriend. This all means that I had an opportunity to talk to a girl with nobody watching me.

So I went outside and smoked a cigarette and had a dip and chugged a beer. Finally, I was relaxed enough to pee. Now I could strike up a conversation with an empty tank. I noticed a fetching lass who was wearing Centreville colors standing alone in the kitchen. I went up to her and told her that my name is Mark and I have very strong teeth. I think she was impressed. We talked for 5 minutes and she gave me her number. I never called her because there was a big Bass fishing tournament on ESPN that week. I didn't tell anybody about this for two months because I didn't want them to know. Finally I can be more open and honest.

MARK

SOME THINGS I DON'T LIKE

• When they say the name of the movie in the movie
• Cloudy days
• Wide receiver screens
• Westfield High School
• Underbites
• Spearmint dip
  
• Soda Popinski
• Coinstar
• Anything that smells like Lilac
• The name Bethany
• DeWalt power tools

That's all I can think of right now.

MARK

TONIGHT

I had a very fun time tonight at the concert. The songs were good, but they did something that makes me mad. They kept on saying the name of the song during the song. It really irratates me. They had those parts of the song where the audience is supposed to sing along with the band, but I didn't sing because those parts were usually the name of the song. Also I'm a little self-conscious about my voice. It's rather loud and booming and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself while I was dipping, which was for the entire show.

Then I came home and drank a few Busch Lights and rolled some change. Some people say that I should go to coinstar, but I didn't go to law school to pay 8.5 percent to some company just to count my change. I know how to count, damn it. I did 3 rolls of nickels while watching Laguna Beach. I think the girls on there are cute. Don't tell anybody.

I'll check in tomorrow.

MARK

HELLO

Hello. I am Mark. This weekend I am going to a concert with gay men and chubby women. Then on Saturday I have a date. I used to be nervous about dates but I'm not any more. I think having Geoff there will make me even less nervous. He can order the wine because I don't know very much about wine. Don't tell anybody about my date. I've very secretive. If you tell anybody, I will lawyer you into the ground and throw salt in your face.

MARK