CENTREVILLE -- THE WEEKEND AHEAD

Here’s a story that some people find enjoyable. Several years ago we had a big trip to Dewey Beach. There were lots of people going, but my lawyering job made me stay late on Friday so my options of who to ride with were pretty limited. I had to go with “Swint” who is a guy that I like even though I thought he was gay for a while. I don’t like him like that. I found out that he wasn’t gay and that we shared an interest in country music and that we both have a lot of body hair. Many people thought that we didn’t have enough in common and that the drive would be boring. They were wrong. Me and Swint had a Super time.

As many of you know, I am from Centreville, Virginia. I grew up in the shadows of Wildcat Stadium and starred on the football team. I bleed Centreville Blue (the darker blue). I can hear the roars of Wildcat touchdowns from my front yard. On the way to Dewey Beach, we passed through a town called Centreville, Maryland. I couldn’t believe there was another Centreville. It was like uncovering a long lost twin brother. I was so happy to find a companion city that I talked about Centreville, Maryland for the rest of the trip. I pointed out every sign that said “Centreville.” Centreville Bank. Centreville Bowling Alley. Centreville Chinese Buffet. Centreville Butcher. You might think that sounds foolish, but then you probably don’t love your home town like I love Centreville. I have even contributed to the Centreville Wikipedia page.

Since that time, it has become an obsession of mine to visit every Centreville in the world. I always take a picture by a sign that says “Centreville,” shotgun a beer, mail my parents a postcard (they’re making a scrapbook), and buy a magnet for me refrigerator. So far, I’ve been to Centreville, Ohio (home of Jason Nugent), and Centreville, Michigan. I have also started saving money to buy the penthouse in the Centreville Elite Apartments in Romania. Thank you, very much Mr. Exchange Rate.

I recently discovered that there is a Centreville Amusement Park in Canada. I’m going there tomorrow at 11 AM. I really like amusement parks. Some people like the crazy rides. Not me. I like the carousel. According to their website, the carousel features 52 animals in total including horses, rabbits, cats, pigs, ostriches, a lion, tiger, giraffe, reindeer and zebra. I’m going to ride all of them. I’m also looking forward to riding the Centreville Train. The Haunted Barrel Works look kind of scary. I probably wouldn’t go on them at night, but hopefully I’ll be brave enough to do it while the sun is shining.

I’m not sure who I’m going to bring. Maybe I’ll meet a girl tonight and bring her. I can do that now. I bought mannequin last year and I spend an hour a day talking to it so that I would get more comfortable talking to girls. I always dress her up in a different outfit to make it realistic. People think it’s weird that I buy a lot of girl’s clothes at TJ Maxx, but I don’t care. I need to get my practice. That’s how I became a good football player. The mannequin is the “shoots and boards” of my social life. It would be really great if she was from Centreville, too. We could talk about Centreville for the entire drive.