Figure It Out, Clowns

Hello. I am Mayhugh.

Jerry and Geoff think they’re so smart. Just ask them. But they can not figure out something that is very simple. There seems to be some mystery about why I don’t hang out with them or anybody they know.

Just think about it. I am not gay. I am not a douchebag. I am not a hermit. I do not have a secret life. It is very simple.

I just don’t like you.

Look at me, I’m Geoff. I tuck my shirt in on the weekends. I wear loafers to the grocery store. I eat appetizers that are more cultured than Jalepeno Poppers. I make “reservations.” I use “big words.” I check my Outlook calendar to see if I have enough time to take a crap.

Then you probably wipe your butt with a pocket square.

Look at me, I’m Jerry I can’t get a girlfriend because I’m watching college hockey. I think I’m an adult because I don’t have disgusting Dewey couches anymore.

Let me tell you something, Jerry, baseball is stupid. My bathroom is five times as big as yours. Remember that time I fouled you and you screamed like a girl? That was nothing. I will bury you next time. Just wait, Jerry. I'm stronger than you. I will out-fight you. I will out-lawyer you. I have a really cool car and you don't. Get a decent haircut.

And the rest of you, I don’t like you either. We are almost six weeks past the holiday season, so we can consider this my Festivus Airing of Grievances.

Ted – You’re not the one who gets to live in the country and impress the townies with a cool cell phone. I am. Me. Mayhugh. I dominate Fairfax. Reston is no Fairfax and you are no dominator. You’re not the one who gets all the attention for having giant knees. I am. I’m the one with huge knees. That was my thing. Now you took it and you don’t even appreciate it.

Greg – I don’t know what’s worse, a non-punctual German or your inability to make an original joke. You dress weird. I’m not impressed with your carousing. Mine is better. You. Drive. MY. CAR. Check-Mayhugh.

Swint – I WILL JAM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slater – Slater is actually a nice guy. I don’t know why he hangs out with you jerks. I would have dinner with Slater at Quizno’s if he asked me. His clothes are too baggy though.

Carter and Bill – Having a family doesn’t make you better than me. Actually, to be honest, I am kind of impressed by people who have kids. And I am always honest. Always. Honest. Mayhugh. A-H-M. That’s what I call myself.

Swint – I’M SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TJ – You have the name of a 10 year old and the attention span of a 5 year old. You don’t make fun of me. I make fun of you. Drinking during the day doesn’t make you cool. You can’t even do a pull-up. I hate you.

You, Lieutenant Weinberg?????

Rob and Rich – I don’t know either of you but I hear that you’re short and you like baseball. Those are two of the most despicable qualities a man can have.

Whitney – Is a girl’s name. I could respect you if you had a good name like Rick or Mark. But not Marc. That’s a stupid name.

Swint – YOU. BOWL. NOW.

That's the story. I'm having fun in Fairfax. I have a rewarding career that compensates me quite generously. I have a sex life that would make all of you blush. I watch four-star movies. I can run 10 miles. I can eat 3 Chipotle Burritos. I have everything. I don't respond to you because I don't want to hang out with you. And by the way, I'm not really out of the office every day. I just had the IT people set up a filter to respond automatically to people that I don't like.