WHAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS

I know that many of you have been waiting for my two month clearinghouse period to end so you could find out was under my tree on Christmas day. Unfortunately, I’ve had to lawyer a bunch of people into the ground so I haven’t had much time to post in this diary.

Some of you know that a garbage sack full of my favorite T-shirts was stolen from the bed of my pickup truck on the way home from college while I was eating at Waffle House. Since then, I’ve been trying to replace them. Of course I was able to buy a new “Just Hafta Fish” and a new “Bowling is Life….The Rest is Just Details”, but not everything was that easy to replace.

I’m still missing the shirt that commemorated the time when I ate a 72 ounce steak at my parent’s favorite Italian restaurant, Fanstastico’s. Unfortunately, they took the steak of the menu after the threat of a lawsuit and gave all the shirts to poor people who have never even seen a steak that big.

This year, Mom came up huge by finding a 1993 Sully Bowl t-shirt. Of course my shirt was from 1994 when I had a sack, 2 tackles for losses, and a fumble recovery against the hated Chantilly Chargers, but as my dad always says “T-shirt theft victims can’t be choosers.” I’m very happy about that.

I also got the regular gifts like a candle set for my bathroom to help me relax when I do my business, a high thread count bed set because I like to be pampered in the sack, and a new Weber bowling glove.

The most interesting gift I got was a membership into the Centreville Coin Rollers (CCR). I’ve been to a few meetings so far. Not only do they have free pie and chips (huckleberry), they discuss coin rolling history and advanced rolling techniques.

I used their comprehensive coin rolling library and discovered that my ancestors were pioneers of coin rolling in Poland. Through the 1800’s, major coin transactions were performed using scales. When coins became standardized, people looked for more efficient ways to group their change. My great great great grandfather, Markov, worked in the Warsaw Finance Bureau and he developed a coin package for standardizing banking transactions. Next year I’m going to travel to Poland to try to acquire some of Markov’s relics. I bought a some Learn Polish on Tape books to try to aid in my quest.

CCR also fights vigilantly against the two evils of coin rolling:

1) Cheaters – these are the people who try to stuff their coin rolls with slugs. There was an epidemic of coin cheating at my local bank and the tellers would always give me dirty looks when I deposited my coins because they thought I was a cheater. I despise cheaters.

2) Poor Technicians – You know all the coin rolling flubs – the loose lip, the double dive, the Gentleman’s Wharf, the Demon’s Pinch (of course that only happens with the non-serrated edges of nickels.) With proper education, we can wipe out these maladies.

I even wrote a song about it. In honor of CCR, it’s set to the tune of Bad Moon Rising:

Verse:

I see some bad coin rollin’
This guy is gonna have to pay
This guy’s technique is really frightening
This guy gets a failing grade

Chorus:

Don’t go to the bank tonight
With that faulty roll of dimes
Bad coin rolling is a crime

I’m still working on the other verses.

MARK