I’m Cooler than Guy Lombardo

These days I can’t look into a mirror or any other semi-reflective surface without contemplating how cool I am. Way cooler than those other guys. So I’m going to make a list of people who aren’t as cool as me. Here’s the first chapter.

The Guy From the Cingular Commercial – You know, the Dukes of Hazard guy. He says that song is his theme song. He’s wrong because it’s my theme song. Two people can’t have the same theme song. It’s immoral. And it looks like he cuts his own hair. Probably when he’s drunk on moonshine. I deserve to be on that commercial. I get 47 dollar haircuts. People say that’s too much, but I’ve realized that my appearance is important and I have lots of money because I am a lawyer. Slater told a girl that I made $500,000 a year. I don’t make that much but I wish I did so I could get even more expensive haircuts. Then I could definitely be on the Cingular Commercial. I bet that guy doesn’t even Nair like I do. I’ve been doing a lot of upper body stretching so I can Nair my entire back. People who aren’t as flexible as me are left with patches of hair on their backs. And that’s not cool. Not as cool as me.

Jerry and Geoff – Those guys used to go out more than me. Now I go out more than them. I can drink a lot and I don’t get hungover because I take a lot of vitamins and sleep in a king sized bed with lots of pillows. And when I go out, I mean business. I take shots. Lots of them. I talk to girls. Lots of them. Those guys used to do it, but now it’s Mark’s turn. I’m so cool that I even talk about myself in the 3^rd person sometimes. When somebody buys some Jager, Mark takes it on. And dominates it. Jerry shirks away like a frightened Chantillian. On Friday night when Geoff is eating tapas with a little baby fork, Mark is rocking out on the dance floor. Whether it’s singing along to Journey or getting gropey to Gold Digger, Mark dominates the dance floor. And he goes home happy. Boo-yah. You know what I’m talking about. (whispering) S-E-X…with a girl….

The Other Guys at the Tanning Salon – I can bench way more than those guys. They’re all sissies compared to Mark. Fredrico, enough with the hair gel. And Chase, decide you’re going to be a cowboy or a sailor already. Those guys all wear shiny shirts. According to the back issues of GQ that I’ve been buying off eBay, shiny shirts were not cool in 2003. Also, I think some of those guys are gay. Advantage Mark.

Obviously this list is harshly abridged because I’m cooler than so many people. I have to get in a quick tan and body Nair before heading off to my manicure appointment at 3. Then I’m going to run 14 miles on my treadmill while my neighbors stand around and watch and hand me Jager shots. I am awesome.

MARK