Mature Mark

As some of you know, I turned 30 years old recently and I have had to make some changes. Have no fear I am still the #1 ranked drunken bachelor of Fairfax. The following are some of my maturity action items:

Wardrobe: I have given all of my ribbed shirts to charity. Back in 2003 when I became skinny and cool, I thought it was awesome to wear ribbed shirt to places like Third Edition. Since then I have been wearing my Ashworth collared shirt to bars every week and the response has been fabulous. Clubby Mayhugh has been put to rest and golfy Mayhugh has taken his place with erotic results. Now some poor person will have the pleasure of being ribbed and great like me.

My Home: Several people have observed that my home furnishings looked like discards from the set of The Brady Bunch. The first step in “sprucing up” my “pad” was to buy new drapes. I wanted something classic yet manly. Flowers were out because I think my dad would think it’s fruity. So I chose tan drapes with pictures of wheat on them. Wheat is a staple of the American diet and one of the most wholesome crops that I am aware of. I also like the scene in Gladiator when Russell Crowe is walking through the wheat fields. That’s a four star movie.

Personal Grooming: No changes needed here. I am still ahead of the curve and my Neanderthal acquaintances with $50 haircuts and twice weekly manicures. I have tried to do my part as an American by insisting on seeing documentation papers for the Asians that manicure me. No longer will illegals massage my delicate paws.

Fantasies: As many of you know I fantasize a lot. Most people think that Mayhugh is some meat and potatoes boot-wearing steak-tender, but I have always had a rich and creative tapestry of dreams. I was reading through my Log of Fantasies, or “Fant-Log”, and I have made some major changes without even realizing it. I used to dream about making a tackle for loss against Chantilly and receiving anonymous gifts of wings and sausage. Now I think about things like finding a really great coupon for dinner at Morton’s and getting a job as an assistant contract specialist for the prequel to Commando.

Giving Back: Tuesday is ping-pong night at the old folks home so I go down there and show them who’s boss. (Hint…it rhymes with Gayhugh) But I’m not gay. I also give a book of stamps to a homeless person every week.

Halloween: Even though I have been making changes, I am sticking to my boyhood roots. So I went to the Halloween Party at the Fairfax Community Center as a Centre-Villain.